Before and After
by Ravenrising
Summary: "For the crew of the Serenity, former and current, their lives consist of before and after. For some of them, the after is better than the before and for some it is the opposite." Drabble, a little for each character (well, minus the ship). One-shot.


Firefly is and probably always will be one of those shows I have strong feelings for. Please review.

For the crew of the_ Serenity_, former and current, their lives consist of before and after. For some of them, the after is better than the before and for some it is the opposite. They tend not to talk about it-whatever event or action occurred that changed life as they knew it is an unnecessary thing to speak of.

* * *

River Tam doesn't have her own before or after. At least, not all the time. Her mind is most clear when she is at the helm of the ship, late at night while the rest are in slumber.

Her before is a smattering of moments from childhood-a love of dance and being a brat to her brother. Her after is piloting a ship and muddling through emotions and memories that are not truly hers.

When she is as close to the empty blackness of space that she can get or when she dances, she can recall her own before, and she thinks that might be why she loves it so much.

* * *

Malcolm Reynolds has multiple previous and afterwards. He takes it step by step.

He grew up raised by his mother and ranch hands on Shadow and it was a good childhood-stable and right.

His prior was standing dumbfounded in a Valley and knowing how much they lost-his men dying while the higher ups, himself included, negotiated pointlessly.

He lost a lot that day, good men and faith among the ruin.

So his ensuing is gathering aspects and pieces of what he used to be. He feels so empty and cynical that he finds people he feels embody what he no longer has. Each day he pushes out a bit farther and tries to find a place where he isn't still standing in that Valley, isn't struck by the realization that the 'Verse as they know it, as he knows it, will forever be under an extremely long arm of a tyrannical force.

He just wants to fly his ship and his crew to a place where he doesn't have to look over his shoulder all the time and sometimes the feeling presses in on him that it might never happen.

* * *

Wash's previous is his love for flying. He's just a man at the helm of a ship. He makes maps in his mind, connects the flickering stars into routes and is content. His wife was his seemingly final puzzle piece that completed his life.

His after is his little girl. His cherubic daughter inherits so much of him that it's like he is still there. Her laughter, her eyes, and eventually her love of flying. She feels close to her father then and she is genetically predisposed with an ability to make maps out of stars.

* * *

Zoe's before is standing at attention, moving up the ranks to Corporal by the time she fights at Serenity Valley. Her heretofore is a shoelace knotted around her throat as a reminder.

Her after was Wash and still is in many ways. Wash, who loved her with everything he could give. Her subsequently is the beloved daughter that laughs like he did and plays with toy dinosaurs. She teaches her the proper way to handle and shoot a gun-arguing with Jayne about it, naturally-and that "_Yes, _you are just like your father, I promise".

It's not everything. Her after is a consistent ache that lessens a bit over time but never really diminishes all the way. Her after is a beautiful little girl and life on a ship and eventually, she is content.

* * *

Jayne's former is making as much money as he can. He ends up routing most of it towards home, for his brother Mattie and his folks. His life is going from one pay-for-hire job to the next, acting like he has no qualms-and there is no mistaking that he really doesn't.

His after is remembering his remorse and remembering not to make that same mistake. He's all for money, but the thought of being spaced, of being sucked out and dying _all alone_ gives him pause. He himself got turned on and betrayed. It still leaves a bitter taste in his mouth and he finds himself keen not to do it again.

The Doc's little sis is still crazy, but well...she probably could kill him with her brain and that is not something he wanted to experience.

* * *

Simon Tam had a good before. He grew up content that he would have the best education money could by and he did great things with it. He did what he was supposed to, became a life-saving surgeon on Osiris. His before was naive thinking that the Alliance had a great program for gifted young people.

His earlier ended when he lovingly gave it all up for her. There were no regrets on his part and he would do it again in a heartbeat. How could he not? She _needed _him and he didn't have a second thought.

His later is more full of learning than he thinks he did in MedAcad. He learns that he can survive in the black much better than he thought he could. While on occasion he wonders what life would be like if he were still a trauma surgeon, he thinks almost instantly that River would not be with him. At that moment, he lets the thought pass.

* * *

Kaylee doesn't entirely have a before and after. Her effervescent personality doesn't ever really diminish or fade. She loses good friends in Shepherd Book and in Wash, but she comes to remember the times of laughter even in the face of their absence. Her before and after-growing up loved and fixing machines with her father and living on Serenity and having a different family-are both simple, but pleasant. She never really ever loses her passion and zeal for life and love.

* * *

Derrial Book's previous was harsh. As a small boy, he would live in fear of his fathers fists. As a grown man, he worked hard to leave that past behind. He lived for a great many years in a gray area of the moral scale, but he thought that he found where he was supposed to be by the time he left Serenity and lived on Haven.

His after was a complicated mix. He did what he had to for the Independence Movement and tried to repent by becoming a missionary.

Mal and Jayne, in particular, can remember the advice Shepherd Book gave them on multiple counts.

Jayne no longer has someone to spot him or to engage him in interesting discussions of what life would be like as a preacher.

Instead, they remember what friendship he gave to them. That's his after and while melancholy, it is still a gift.

* * *

Inara wonders if she'll ever go back to her before. Hers was living in House Madrassa with a multitude of other young girls learning how to be a Companion-spiritual tea rituals, bits of psychology and tips and tricks on how to please a man thrown in.

She was well on her way to becoming the priestess for House Madrassa and it was a life she would have willingly accepted.

She remembers the chilled metal of the exam table under her palms when she is given her diagnosis. Whenever she attends her annual physical, she has a brief moment where her mind flashes back.

Her decision to leave Madrassa and try and see the universe is one she comes to quickly.

She desires to reach out and grasp just a little bit of the 'Verse-to experience the world outside of Shinon and the Core before the day comes when she no longer can.

Her diagnosis become her turning point to after. After her diagnosis is when she finds the strength to leave a permanent place planet-side and see if maybe she can outrun the concept that she might not be long for this world.

* * *

River still loves to dance, even if her dancing only takes place in the open spaces of the ship she calls home-the mess hall, the bridge, just outside the infirmary. In those moments, she lifts her hands and mentally runs through steps she has known since she was a child.

Sometimes she watches the light fabric of the skirts and dresses she wears-the ones she wears because she is now a teenage girl when before she wasn't-and remembers what life was like when she could feel how she wanted.

Simon always has a nostalgic smile on his face-a little bittersweet but honest and real.

"River?" he asks. "What are you doing?"

She sighs, how she does when he seems to be asking her a particularly pointless question.

"I'm being before," she responds.


End file.
